I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
