i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize