i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
