You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
