So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
