I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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