4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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