Small penises have feelings too.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
