Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
