Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
