guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
