Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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