So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
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If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
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We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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