why do cheetos always look like penises
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
