I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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