I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
