In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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