SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
