check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I just threw up on my dentist
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
