hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
