Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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