I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
