she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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