If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
