She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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