Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
