Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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