This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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