I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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