Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize