I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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