Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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