Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
