he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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