do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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