as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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