By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
a search helicopter?!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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