I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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