well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
