I just cut my nipple shaving
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
