I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
