u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
