I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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