she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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