like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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