My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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