Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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