I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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