i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize