Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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