im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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