I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
