I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
