never play flip cup with pint glasses
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
