my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
