My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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